New Year Same Story
The New Year started off great but turned sour quite quickly. On new years eve I was invited to a party by a friend on the Transgender server I run. I was so excited yet so terrified to go because I've never done something so new before. I've done new things but this was different in multiple ways. Several new people, sleeping over after not having done that in years, and having my first sleep over away from my cat since we adopted him I had no idea how he'd be with my fiance and I gone so long. My parents stepped in to help feed him while we were gone and it was only one night. My anxiety didn't want to settle though and it was hard to sleep.
Once we got there though it was much easier. It honestly felt freeing. Growing up the only parties I had been to were birthday parties with friends that saw me as the last resort it seems and then parties run my parents friends because I was the well behaved child so I always felt out of place. This was a different story. I actually felt like I belonged and was included. I was invited to join playing boardgames but I preferred to just watch while my fiance joined and I was still included in some form of conversation which usually never happens. It was a lovely night and even though I had barely met everyone that was there I was treated like I was there the whole time and that was the best part. I loved every moment of being there and our cat back home was fine. He slept a lot but still made sure to eat, he was of course very happy to see us when we returned home.
After all that though coming home was like a smack in the face. I felt all the weight of my mental state come crashing down. I normally crash after a good time but this just felt heavier. I'm okay and I've been trying my best to push through but have just been quite exhausted most of the time due to it. Other than all that everything is quite the blur. I can't remember much of what has been hard recently other than the California fires considering I live decently close to the largest one. Luckily we have yet to end up in evacuation territory though.
I'm taking small steps with progress and trying my best not to shut myself down from it all. I lost my habit of using the Finch app but I'm slowly working on trying to get back into the habit with easier tasks at least. I will also probably add the task for doing a daily Tarot reading finally. Even if I don't do it that's okay but the task will be there to remind me at the very least.
As slow as things are going and how tired I've been I'm happy with what I have been able to do. I realize I don't give myself enough credit for what I have done and that's something I for sure need to work on. At that new years party I was introduced as the owner of the transgender server I run and it was honestly much nicer to hear than I expected. I actually succeeded in making a safe space for people. I accomplished one of my main goals and somehow still felt like it wasn't enough but actively hearing the appreciation about it helps so much. I hope the server is able to grow further hoping the US doesn't take a dive when it comes to trans people and discord itself. I'm hoping I can still find a way to keep the server going regardless of what happens for those who need it. But for now I don't have to worry about that yet so I'll continue to run it the same way I always have and improve it in any way I can.
Thank you for reading and I wish us all the best of luck in this new year. <3
